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24 January 2013

10 nauseatingly adorable ways couples flaunt their love

Couple's love to show the world just how much they love each other, and to remind everybody of that as much as possible. They even find ways to remind themselves of that, just in case they forget. Here are some way in which you, too, can amplify that announcement and maybe help the sales of over the counter anti-diarrhea medicines.


#1.) Love Gloves.

Hand-holding is perhaps the gold standard of PDA. It allows you to touch your special someone openly in just about any setting. It is both subtle and obvious in a way that lets you unobtrusively say, "Back off, bitch, this is mine", with a polite hint of, "Hell, no, I'm not interested". Studies have shown that it reduces stress and strengthens the bond between lovers. It's so effective that it evolved that way. What to do, however, when the weather is colder than Mel Gibson's heart? How do you keep that sexy derm-on-derm action and your hands warm at the same time? Enter, the Love Gloves (not to be confused with another kind of "love glove" you may have in your wallet).

Love Gloves
At least you'll never forget how they go on.



Seeing a couple holding hands will make you go, "d'awww". Seeing a couple stuck in the biggest damn Chinese finger trap you've ever seen will give you claustrophobia. Don't worry about how silly you may look, because you know how kinky it really is. The glove that binds you is called "the chamber". Rawr!

If that's not confining enough, you can also find this concept in size straight jacket.

Please, tell me you're wearing deodorant.

#2.) Matching.

Speaking of shirts, nothing says, "I love you", like a sappy version of  the "I'm with stupid" shirt. It's one thing to do this for Halloween or to piss off your lover's ex, but a line has to be drawn. For one thing, you look ridiculous when your little honey-bunny is off to the loo.

star wars couple shirts
Okay, this is acceptable. Geek cred is legit.

Of course, this isn't limited to just shirts. There's a couple in Nebraska who have been wearing matching outfits every single day for more than 35 years.


#3.) Everyday Household Items.

We're all familiar with the "His & Hers" bathrobes and towels. If that's not enough, you can constantly remind yourselves and guests that you're on the love express at every turn. I'm not just talking about photographs at Niagara Falls or your latest glamour shots. No, I mean everywhere from hooks and floor mats to pillow cases and toasters that scorch "I love you" instead of the usual voyeuristic face of Jesus. You can even spread your love all over that tongue tingling toast...

marmite valentine
...with marmite. Get your mind out of the gutter.

#4.) Photographs, photographs, photographs.

We're all used to a constant stream of date nights on Instagram and Facebook, everything from those damned ducky faces to what shoes they were wearing. Some take it a step or 20 further and photobomb their own homes. Wedding photos, vacations, honeymoon, walks in the park, and kissing ad nauseum. On the walls, the counters, bookcases - everywhere. Why shouldn't they be up for display? They're incredibly cute! All your friends think so, too. They do the first time they visit, anyway. After that, they're walking into a veritable hall of mirrors wearing somebody else's face, right out of what should be a bad episode of Goosebumps.

Aren't we adorable? TELL ME WE'RE ADORABLE!

#5.) Public Displays of Delivery.

People love getting deliveries, especially when they're unexpected. What better way to surprise your significant other with a package than having it delivered to their place of work? That wouldn't be awkward at all! Well, except that it would. Flowers and balloons are probably what come to mind first. Innocent enough. Unfortunately, once the delivery person is gone, that big ol' bouquet is still leaking water all over the desk and making coworkers run for their Sudafed. You can't get your job done because you're constantly being interrupted by people wanting to tell you how gosh darn cute they think that is and that annoying guy across the hall keeps bopping the damn thing in your face every time he passes. This is one of those things where it ends up being hell for everybody all around, but nobody dare pretend it's anything but utterly adorable. There is one way around this: have the deliverer be the delivery. When they leave, it's all over. No harm, no foul. For as little as a hundred bucks, you can have a good old fashioned singing telegram.

How you imagine it.


#6.) Undergarments.

That's right, gentlemen, you can secure your nut sack, while saluting your better half in more ways than one. Don't worry, ladies, they have the "Just Married" message in panties, too. This brings sexting to a whole new level, going from "Oh, yes, yes, yes", down to, "Aw, honey, that's simply adorable!", in five seconds flat, which is just enough time for another kind of deflation.

Just Married smiley face stickman couple Boxer Sho
You said you weren't married!

Men's Cartoon Bunny Couple Brown Underwear Boxer Briefs 017 - Click Image to Close
Not sure if this is cute, creepy, or just for furries.

#7.) Toilets.

No, seriously. Shitting is now romantic, for as low as $1,400. Now, you may look at these at first glance and think how cute they look. Yeah, they look cute. Now, picture 'em in use. The sounds. The odours. Ick. Hey, at least there won't be that awkward, "It wasn't me. Was it you?" moment, because you know it's both of you. How sweet. Remember, you may want to clean up before this romantic moment leads to anything else.  Studies have shown that this act can cause "pleasurable relief". A chair of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has compared it to feeling just as good as the hanky-panky itself, saying that he enjoys the pleasure as being "longer-lasting and more frequent". Ooh, la-la!

toilet for two
Pardon me, could you please pass the TP?

Why stop there? You can make the whole bathroom a singles-free zone with toilet paper, seats, sinks, and tubs. Forget about having guests over for the weekend. We're already quite aware that there probably isn't a love-sullied free spot in the house, but that thing will remind them the entire time that water and soap aren't the only fluids that have shared that space.

Product Image
Wait...what's causing that clog?
#8.) Public Proposals.

Some people can't get over the top enough. A bent knee in Central Park just doesn't attract enough eyes these days. Where's the excitement? The adrenaline rush? Where can you get the most attention possible? Media! Televised sports stadiums and arenas. Flash mob-style and posted to YouTube. That's pure entertainment. You're guaranteed to surprise your love and be the envy of not only your friends and family, but hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of strangers. Here's my favourite - and I will unabashedly admit to crying the first time I saw it:



I mean, wow. That guy must've got all their friends, family and every Cats reject they could find to put that together. Imagine the amount of love that went into it. The time, practice, props, coordination. Now, it's immortalized on YouTube for all to see. The really cool thing about ├╝ber public proposals like this and crowd-filled arenas? You just know they're going to say yes. Nobody would pull such a crazy stunt without somehow knowing the answer beyond any doubt. They just have to says yes. Right? Well...not always. Take these poor suckers, for example:


Damn. One dude even got bitch-slapped. Why? Well, simply, the answer isn't always going to be "yes". Not every pitch is a strike. Now, you might feel really sorry for the guys. So did I, at first. What about the ladies? They obviously were not expecting that at all. They were left with two basic options. They could agree to marry somebody they don't want to spend the rest of their life with. Alternatively, they can reject the proposal and face extreme public ridicule to the max - for life. Even years later, some assclown like me can dig it up for some good old fashion schadenfreude. Not only that, but the people around them are also immortalized. Take a look at the switch between 00:15 and 00:16. The children behind and to the right seem to be doing their best impression of Nelson from the Simpsons and the two girls in the upper right are left with their jaws hanging in a way that says, "Oh, snap!". At least nobody happened to be picking their nose or adjusting their crotch. The butterfly affect can even have it's negative consequences from the successful public proposals. That high pressure may be off of the bride-to-be now, but not the best friend who's been dating their significant other for two years without so much as leaving an open space for a toothbrush in the bathroom. Talk about a lot to live up to. No pressure.

#9.) Social Media

Everybody shares everything these days, from the food on their plate to what it smells like coming out. Lovers are no different. It's so adorable how they leave little love notes for one another. Sometimes, however, it can be just downright creepy. They get so wrapped up in wanting to remind you that their hubby-wubby loves them more than yours does you, they act like they've lost all ability to e-mail, text, or private message. What they might not realize is that they end up having so many online conversations that people wonder if they ever even look at each other anymore. For some examples, if you have a Facebook account, go search for public posts with the "husband". As of this writing, I see, "I want to thank my wonderful husband for helping me out at work today,, that meant sooooo VERY much to me!!!! I love you [Name withheld]!!!", "My husband who is there for me always And I love with all my heart!", and "I have the best husband".

Sanity help you if you just search "love".


#10.) Bicycles Built for Two.

Also known as "tandem" and "twin" bicycles, these classic date-bikes made their debut in the late 19th Century. They're cute and charming, nostalgic, and you just want to go pinch the love birds' cheeks with a "Squee!" that can only be rivaled by the likes of Grumpy Cat and Loca the Pug. Cuteness, however, is not the only benefit to tandem bicycle riding. A 2003 study, published in European Journal of Applied Physiology, found that the muscular and cardiovascular exercise benefits are significantly higher for the casual rider. Maybe we need a whole new kind of workout bicycle in our gyms, and start getting all comfy-cozy with our sweaty neighbours.


Always adorable.
Tandem Bicycle
Well...maybe not always.








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